The World of Cat Karyna

 

 

 

 

Gayatri Mantra

 

 

ॐ भूर्भुवः स्वः

तत् सवितुर्वरेण्यं

भर्गो देवस्य धीमहि

धियो यो नः प्रचोदयात्

 

Om bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ

tat savitur vareṇyaṃ

bhargo devasya dhīmahi

dhiyo yo naḥ prachotdayāt

 

We meditate on the glory of the Creator;
Who has created the Universe;
Who is worthy of Worship;
Who is the embodiment of Knowledge and Light;
Who is the remover of all Sin and Ignorance;
May He enlighten our Intellect.

Oh my God when I found out I became a Power Seller on Ebay I almost fell from my chair. It's so cool to see that actually all my hard work and dedication to my clients pay off :) Well, For those of you who don't know how all this started... well back in 2006 I needed to get rid off some cd's I had and well A friend of mine... Zafer, had told me about eBay but I thought It was one of those sites where people only auctioned stupid things like DIRTY SOCKS, BRITNEY SPEARS' NAILS and more .. but then I fouind out that was not the case !!!. I made 100 my first week and well then I found out people can sell almost anything at there. Of course now with the recession on the USA it has been hard. But ever since I opened my Ebay Store I ship Worldwide and Thanks To That, I never miss on a client. And it's so fun to actually interact with people all around the world and provide them a nice service. I also met great people on ebay ... awesome Powersellers very dedicated to what they do. I do believe in Magic and the Paranormal as you all Know, some Syncretist believe in magic and practice magic arts while others just stick into the religious aspects of Syncretism. Well I  do try to empower myself in learning new things. I got interested in Vodoo,not to harm people but to bring positive energies into my life and so far it has been a great experience thanks to this Power Seller Scott a.ka. Thedogout. His voted the number one spell crafter on Ebay. Even Celebrities ask for his advice... and I'm glad I met him. With his live auctions, such spells and items that can cost more than 400 or even 1000 dollars can be purchased for a fraction of the cost.! He even has spells for 25 dollars even less if you catch one of his auctions! You can visit his store here :

 

 

 

 

Wow... Why on Earth I have to be so lazy to come to write on my blog. Jee... Well I'm back. From all the things that have been keeping me busy. School, Work.. yeah work. I mean who ever said that Working from Home is easy... ha I should slap him on the face. Is Hard I tell you HARD. Specially when you ran an Ebay store and an Amazon store... Uhhhh...

My birthday is coming this July 2nd. I wish I was in Peru again partying like last year but neh.. I have to stay here. I hope my valiant boyfriend will do something extra- extraordinary because I think I deserve it :) Heheheheheheehe.... I've been uploading videos on my youtube channel from the parties in Peru... hehehehe....

 

Anyway.. no reflections today, No Sufi teachings.... I'm tired right now if you see a typo is because I fell asleep on the keyboard..........

But Just to let you know Today Friday the 13 I AM BACK

 

 

I'm going away for 3 weeks :) So I 've been so busy with last minute shopping-for-gifts that I hardly have time to even do my nails... hahaha

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I did what I thought was impossible for me to do. No, not because I was scared or afraid but because I was feeling actually sorry for the person's feelings. Yup, the person.... I cannot even pronounce his name- not even type it! The day I met him was crazy.... I wasn't suppoused to meet him or ever see  him (again) in this life time. Call it karma or unfinished business I don't know. First I just got so captivated by those beautful Indian brown eyes that reminded me so much of that set of beautiful Turkish ones that I adored so much 7 years ago... Then, it was the way he walked and the way he acted.. he reminded me a lot of my Turkish Passion .... They both looked kind of alike with the difference that the last one is Indian and darker.... The same day I met him the same day I kissed him and same day I........ whatever.... I don't even know how everything started but now I'm happy is over............... I hope is over. He called me today to know how I was doing and I couldn't help it. I told him I wanted to break up with him. It's been 4 months of dealing with his bad temper, his problems became my problems, his fears my fears and his doubts mine. Conversations on the phone became boring. Intimacy ... dissapeared... Passion during our kisses was gone gone gone.... So what could he expect me to do? Take it? I don't even love him!!! How was I suppoused to do that? I was only lost on a spell.. his spell.  I only wanted the guy cause he was hot and hunky and all the other women wanted him. But I started to dislike him when he started to treat me as if he was doing me a favor... WHAT FAVOR??? INSHAALLAH I HAD ALREADY A BOYFRIEND BEFORE I MET HIM!!! What is my saying? One goes 2 come, 2 go 3 come, 3 go, 4 come and so and so.  I told him I want him out of my life and he just told me he would think about it. What does he have to think? In a past life he was my best friend, we were never meant to be lovers. We both died and reincarnated in this life. We were suppoused to keep it that way. FRIENDS. We tried to be more than that........ well sorry it didn't work. My heart... well my heart doesn't love him. My heart... my heart is lost in lust for my LIGHT. I don't need to say his name but he know who he is.  I have lost the ability to love any other men. I only love my son. What can they expect??? I can care for them, I can long for them, I can even pretend to be submissive but love them??? That's hard....

He must be feeling like the mouse on this video who happens to be from one of my favorite Turkish bands "MANGA" the name of song  is BITTI RUYA (The dream is over) Click and judge

 

 

Rumi had something very cool to say about love

 

The garden of
Love
is green without
limit
and yields many
fruits
other than sorrow
and joy.
Love is beyond either
condition:
without spring,
without autumn,
it is always fresh.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi

 

 

 

In anyway, I'm not going to start with reflexions or nothing... This time I want to return to the origin, where everything was peaceful and where harmony meant to be one with nature :) I found this cool poem on the Mother Land :) My beloved Lemuria and with the permission of the author I want to share it with all of you :) 

 

 

 

 

 

 On November 4th ,2002 I gave birth to a beautiful eight pound six oz baby boy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                       your mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back in College I wrote this poem for my Creative Writing Class. When I wrote it, all I could do was to think about the love of my life... not my son... because Kenneth is THE ONLY LOVE OF MY LIFE.. but the "other" love of my life... I rewrote the poem several times and finally I came up with this my final version. My friend Prakash thinks I should write more stuff like this.. Hummm who knows I may listen to him :) :)

 

Dilectio

                                                                        By Karyna Tijero

The perfume of Dilectio gets lost in the air, as when in a glance my soul got lost inside your body. My soul entered in you to never return. It wasn’t that lucky as this Dilectio aroma. The aroma gets into my system and then flies free and far away from me.  My soul entered your body, but never came back. It is still trapped, but it is ok who needs a soul when I have this aroma instead?

 

When the aroma of Dilectio travels up to my nostrils, I remember your kisses.

So I look for a serene and silent place where I can rest my ideas, a place where I can think of you getting lost on my own notions of reality where the only partner I have is my imagination and the only enemy is the ruthless time.

 

When the perfume of Dilectio starts getting into my system, my body reminds still. Like lethal poison, the aroma contaminates my blood stream and colonizes my weak heart.

I lose track of time but still I know I would love to spend hours like this lying face up, unanimated, looking up at the sky.

 

The smell of Dilectio drives me to the roads of insanity. It makes me sail through the

seas of delirium where this aroma becomes yours. I fall into a catatonic state in where I don’t want to ever wake up. I dream and at there, you are not unreachable and there is always a happy ending.

 

When the smell of Dilectio starts to vanish, I realize that it is an eternal suffering not being able to weak up every morning with your body by my side. Sometimes I think I would never find peace because I don’t have you with me but perhaps if I declaim a poem the pain will disappear for a few minutes.

 

A poem full of you, that reminds me the magic feeling you make me feel in every touch and kiss. Just like when I wish the fragrance of Dilectio could stay longer in the air, I wish that perhaps for a moment your presence can be sensed again in the air.  

 

Fabulous Fab

 

Fabio Torero always made his best to draw a line between being himself and being just another Italo-Americano from Brooklyn. Back in the early eighties (when he was just two years old) Richi e Poveri, Umberto Tozzi and Mathia Baza’s posters and records always crowded his living room; courtesy of his four teenage older sisters Carmela, Paula, Victoria and Rina. Instead of falling asleep with the sweetness of his mother’s lullabies, the lyrics of 'Sarà Perche Ti amo' and “Mamma Maria” made the trick. Not because he loved those songs, but because he would do anything-including going to bed three hours early- not to let Carmela play those songs in the old stereo. When he was thirteen, his father confiscated every single cassette, record, poster and t-shirt of Erasure from his bedroom because “that was not the kind of music the proper young Roman Catholic man should be listening to.”

 Perhaps what annoyed his parents the most was that Fabio was never a fan of eating pasta, meat or even poultry. In fact, he became a vegetarian the same day his father took him to work at the family’s butcher store. Unlike his sisters, Fabio has always being careful with his personal look. Fabio does not have a beard; instead a tiny goatee that adorns his long face. His face is always radiant and illuminated by his sparkling white smile that expands at both sides of his cheeks, while his light green eyes glitter under his long curly eyelashes. His little plump lips have always been as delicate as rose petals and his shimmering white face roses whenever he laughs. His brown hair, covered by gel, is always tied up in a short pony tail that clings under his shoulders with coquetry. It has been more than eleven years since he left his parents’ house- and had his last haircut. Fabio has an exceptional voice and because he is never shy to show off his talents, it is very common to find him singing loud in the shower, in the subway, in the bus station and especially at the corner of his apartment building. Sometimes he ventures himself on singing short pieces of opera and old Irish songs to get people’s attention. Most of the time people believe he is crazy and ignore him while others stand close to him to see and hear him sing.  When Fabio sings, it is like his whole self sings. His teeth seem to shine even more than usual, his eyes do not glitter but sparkle with joy and sometimes two tiny salty tears fall down from his eyes as if they were caressing his smooth cheeks. He always lifts his arms very slowly starting from his shoulders, then his elbows, then his wrists and then his fingers as if he were caressing his beloved one.

 

            We all know Fabio’s hidden sorrow. We all know that his family has given their back on him because of his choices and this is why he is now alone. We, his friends, do not care about that so called “deception” he had caused to his family, because we love him. We all call him Fabulous Fab because no one sings like him. He sings not only with his voice and heart, he sings with his whole self and soul. Fabio’s voice is the voice of the one who hopes to find his perfect match. The voice of the one who is still waiting and hopping for whom will become the apple of his eyes, the master of  his heart, the owner of his dreams, and the co-editor of his most crazy fantasies. He is the voice of the one who still believes and dreams with the perfect man.

  Alegria
Come un lampo di vita
Come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuoso grido
Bella ruggente pena
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring scream
Of joy and sorrow,
So extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous, magical feeling

Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un asalto de felicidad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, after sharing a lovely evening with a new friend, I went to my old notebook of poems... and I found this. It's amazing for me to realize that, at this very moment of my life, it has been impossible for me to love with the same intensity I once loved this person. Perhaps it's because I'm older and at the time I was only 19 and learning what love was all about...

Today I don't remember the man that broke my heart and left without even caring for what I felt for him...

Today I remember the friend, the companion, the lover who made me write piles and piles of poetry... my first love, my biggest hope and my biggest dissapoinment.... my male muse...

 

 

TO MY LOVED ONE

 

 

 

When I remember your kisses, I look for a calm and quiet place where I can rest my head …a place where I can think about you and get lost on my own thoughts where the only partner I have is my imagination and the only enemy is the time.

 

I would love to spend hours like this lying face up looking at the sky. Do you know that inside my head there is a fantastic world where there is no pain and even though there is sometimes darkness I am not afraid? And if I take a deep breath in the darkness of my hidden thoughts I can feel you as if you were close to me?

 

The truth is that even with my eyes closed and falling asleep I can touch you in my dreams... I can even feel your smell and the heat of your body. I don’t want to wake up from these dreams of mine where you are not unreachable and where there is always a happy ending.

 

It is an eternal suffering not being able to weak up every morning with your body by my side. Sometimes I think I would never find peace because I don’t have you with me but perhaps if I declaim a poem the pain will disappear for a few minutes.

 

A poem full of you, that reminds me the magic feeling you make me feel in every touch and kiss. Perhaps if I stay longer under this imaginary tree lying face up and facing the moon and the starts I can close my eyes and fall asleep to kiss you in my dreams and even make love to you.

 

You can love me if you want and while I am still in the darkness I can see your face and the shinning light of your brown eyes. I can be blind and I can still admire the beauty of your body and the smoothness of your fair skin.

 

 I fall asleep and I can touch you I can kiss you. Perhaps this is because in a glance my soul got lost inside your body. My soul entered in you to never return. The truth is that all my life I‘ve been loving and crying you in silence when I am not close to you.

You are my happiness. In my dreams we can love each other, as we never did before. I don't want to wake up so please let me die dreaming with you.

                                                                                                               

4 years ago, in a day like this you told me for the very first time---after 2 messy years of relationship---that you loved me and that you regreted letting me go. I used to close my eyes and cry for hours thinking why you left me if you said you loved me.... Now.... I only smile and I don't feel anything. Today for the very first time since we broke up for good I can say that I don't love you and that I cannot hate you .... you became indiferent to me.... Only Allah knows if one day I will be able to fall in love again with the same intensity and passion I once felt for you. But I know that now he wants me to love what is real.... You were a mere ilussion, I loved an ilussion. Now I have someone who is real...

 and I love him.... more than I ever loved in my life: KENNETH.

 

 

I spent 3 weeks in the country that saw me born, Peru.

I had a good time with my relatives.... but what was best was the time I got to spend with my nephews and nieces... see them all grown up was just great... Of course things never change... The girls still listen to me.. (THAT"S GREAT!!!) The boys adore me ( My bambini!!!) My older cousins still wanted to boss me around but I just laughed at their tries (unsuccessful tries) and my aunts.. well.... they have change a lot. The one that used to be mean has become and angel and the one who was a party animal had settle down... and the one who gave me all her love....... she still loves me ... (even more)

I also was so happy because I finally met my brothers and sisters. It's true what people say about the calling of the blood... Blood lines are unbreakable and there is no distance or time... I found out I  have so much in common with my sibblings and I wish I had met them before so perhaps I would have never felt so out of place. Still.......... Hey .. I was surprised to see how much Peru  had changed since I left, but even more surprised to realize that still after so many years, my old school clasmates remember me. I  had a great time with them Partying and eventhough they made me break my vow of "Not drinking" I have to say that there's no such a thing as "Solo 2 chelas nada mas" (Only 2 Beers that's all...) Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeh...

Another thing ... thanks To Dennis , my cousin, I got Bollywood fever... now thanks to her my son has become Mini- Hrithik Roshan....

 I won't leave a Sufi poem this time to reflect.. I think the way I feel can compared to this song (one of Dennis and Kenneth's favorite one:

EK PAL KA JEENA

ek pal ka jiina phir to hai jaana	There's only a moment to life, and then we must depart.
tohfa kya leke jaa'e dil yeh bataa na	What gift can we take as we go? Heart, tell us this!
ek pal ka jiina phir to hai jaana	There's only a moment to life, and then we must depart;
tohfa kya leke jaa'e dil yeh bataa na	What gift can we take as we go? Heart, tell us this!
khaalii haath aaye the ham khaalii haath jaa'e.nge	We came empty-handed; empty-handed we shall go;
bas pyaar ke do miiTHe bol jhilmilaa'e.nge	only a few sweet words of love will (continue to) shimmer.
to ha.ns hai kyo.nki duniya ko hai ha.nsaana	So laugh, because one has to laugh at this world!
ae mere dil tuu gaa'e jaa...	Oh, my heart, keep singing...
aa.nkho.n me.n dilbar ka sapna bhii hai	In our eyes there's also a dream of the beloved.
haa.n koii sapna bhii hai	Yes, there's some dream
duniya me.n mera koii apna bhii hai	that in this world someone exists who belongs to us,
haa.n koii apna bhii hai	yes, someone of our own.
ek chehara khaas hai jo dil ke paas hai	There's a special face that the heart cherishes;
ho.nTHo.n pe pyaas hai milne kii aas hai	the lips thirst in hope of a meeting.
dilbaro.n ka magar kahaa.n koii THikaana	But where is the abode of the beloved ones?
ae mere dil tuu gaa'e jaa...	Oh, my heart, keep singing...
o jiivan khushiyo.n ka ek jho.nka sa hai	Oh, life is like a fleeting breeze of joys;
haa.n koii jho.nka sa hai	yes, it's like some gust of wind.
aur yeh jho.nka ek dhoka sa hai	And this breeze is like a betrayal;
haa.n koii dhoka sa hai	yes, it's like some deception.
yeh kaisii hai khushii jal jalke jo bujhii	For what sort of happiness is this, which, flaring up, is extinguished?
bujh bujhke jo jalii milke bhii na milii	Which, flaring up, is extinguished, which having been found is not even truly possessed?
dosto.n par kisii haal me.n na ghabaraana	No matter what your condition, never be alarmed amongst friends.
ae mere dil tuu gaa'e jaa...	Oh, my heart, keep singing...
ek pal ka jiina phir to hai jaana	There's only a moment to life, and then one must depart.
tohfa kya leke jaa'e dil yeh bataa na	What gift can we take as we go? Heart, tell us this!
khaalii haath aaye the ham khaalii haath jaa'e.nge	We came empty-handed; empty-handed we shall go;
bas pyaar ke do miiTHe bol jhilmilaa'e.nge	only a few sweet words of love will (continue to) shimmer.
to ha.ns hai kyo.nki duniya ko hai ha.nsaana	So laugh, because one has to laugh at this world!
ae mere dil tuu gaa'e jaa...	Oh, my heart, keep singing...

 So Now All I have to say is .. ... I'm sending all my love to my family: Maria, Dennis, Aunti Robertina, My Pandilla: Jessica, Erika, Jorge Luis, Celia, Alejandrina, Edson, Melissa, Vanessa and Anthony, El loco Elio, Amelia, Wiber,Tio Angel, Tia Aleja, Loca Ana, Crazy Julia, Sup Sup Fernando, Juan, Jorge, Elizabeth, MariaMaria, Marcella, Aunti Daria   To my pals:  TODA LA PROMO DEL ALFA   To my pal pal: Katty

… Did I dream it? If you were in front of me, "A" , I would tell you so many things… but I will just keep them here in my mind. My sweet  "A" memories are curious things. People remember what they can and what they can is more than often what they all want. Moments in time that seemed so serious and unforgettable, followed by a determined: “This moment will always be treasured in my heart and memory for life. I will never forget it” are washed away like footprints in the sand, as new torrential waves crash into the sand castle that once was my so called life. But as long as I'm  not tired of sunrises and sunsets I guess I'll continue to build sand castles (until I can afford the "beach house")

 

This morning my eyelids struggled to separate, and between  the tiny window right in  my eyelashes, I saw the ceiling. “WHAT DAY IS TODAY? WHY AM I AWAKE? HELL I FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH LAST NIGHT”  those were the many routine thoughts that pass through flailing neurotransmitters until I started think about you "A" and what you had told me not so long ago… that you don’t want me to miss you or think about you or be confused and that we should take a break and see what happens later.

 I woke up this morning hating myself because I was not a man. I wished to be a man to have the balls to tell you that I lied to you when I told you that after what happened our relationship didn’t change and that you were still my friend. How could I told you that it was not the wine making my head spin or the heat of passion that made me say : I WANTED YOU SO MUCH…

Feeling you inside of me, having your smooth skin over mine and feeling the palpitation of your abdomen over my belly mixed with those showers of kisses you gave me that day made me forget everything and realize that for a moment I could give myself to another person and completely forget about the pass and realize that I cannot get hurt anymore. That I can share a sweet and magical moment with a man forgetting about the future. Do I love you? No I don’t. I know that for a fact, but I do want you. But now that’s in the past. You made it clear when you told me you were going to meet that girl. And after what you told me about your dad being sick and you going back to Nepal one day… you silenced me.

But it hurts me… it hurts me because I’m a coward and I cannot tell you that I want to try something with you. It’s late my "A", I already told you that I want things to stay the way they are when in reality I wish I could change time maybe go back years back.. back in La Guardia and never ever ever had met  "S" that instead of falling in love with that guy, I would have met you first. Perhaps meeting you before him would have prevented me from falling in love with him. You might never know it  "A", but when you told me you were going to go out with her, you took me back in time and I felt exactly the same way I felt when  "S" told me he had met someone else and that he was falling in love. My heart hurt me and not because of you, but because I knew that no matter how hard I tried, our friendship would be at risk if I told you that I wanted to try something with you.

But it is late now.. and now all I have is to remember the day we spent together.

 

What a day… hated the movie --- I guess you would never know… it made me feel depressed, upset, sad and I hate to feel that way, but I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You know what was the best part of that movie? The short kiss you gave me when it ended and of course you holding my hands…

 

Going back to your place, I knew what was going to happen. And I really wanted it to happen. Wish I had remember that it is champagne and not wine what doesn’t make me drunk. What a chicken head Karyna!!! What a chicken head! How did I get drunk that fast?? You were so sweet holding me and helping lye down so I could rest my crazy head full of thoughts and thousands of words unable to come up from my lips.

 

I always loved your arms. They always looked so sexy.. yeah but I would never tell you that.. hahaha. And being between them was heavenly. Now I know what Sufis feel when they are in complete ecstasy…. Yeah Drunken Sufis! They write the best poetry about love and closeness to heaven when they have alcohol in their blood stream. I even wrote a poem about that day… I even wrote every single detail of how we did it on my other journal… the one Old fashioned one “hand written” Thank goodness my mother hates reading my handwriting … Still I knew she would be happy to know I broke my celibacy vows with you.

 

I close my eyes I remember your smell and your eyes.. how you looked at me, how they shinned… I felt like at that moment was me and you… hated the fact that I spoke too much… damm wine making me talk.  "A", you were so sweet. During and after words you made me feel like a lady and “ti voglio bene” for that.  But well, I guess it would never happen again.

 

I want you to be happy and something tells me I cannot make you happy. Perhaps you look for something else and I don’t have the right to make you come close to me… but I cannot push you away. Now you’re officially special to me. And I want to keep you close as my friend… but to do that I have to stop being mad at you.

 

I’m hurt. Because I feel that what happened between us didn’t meant anything to you and that hurts my feelings because I always thought friends cared about the feelings of each other… but then I hate myself because it is not your fault. I haven’t being honest with you.

I care about you. That’s all, but I haven’t share enough time with you to know or find out if I ever fall for you. I like your company and the taste of your kisses, the shape of your boy doll body and those eyes… those beautiful eyes that make my whole self burn in lust.

 

But my friendship for you is stronger. I broke my vows of celibacy with you and I’m glad it was you. Because something tells me you’ll always be my friend and that.. that is something I will cherish forever…… but I need time… I need time to find out if you care about me or not…

 

 I close my eyes and take a deep breath and I cannot help to remember us in your bed. Remember your kisses, our bodies, the way we both synchronized and moved, your tiny bites on my breasts, your sweat wetting my face, your hair between my fingers and specially you inside of me. It was even more beautiful because I was being taken by my friend, the same sweet boy that whenever I found walking through the hallways of the old college always embraced me tightly so tightly that made me forget about my sorrows, but he never knew about them. You know I always wanted to tell you that the day we exchanged e-mails, I had been crying because  "S" had told me I was ugly and that he was the only stupid fuckin’  moron who could put his eyes on me. But you looked at me with those sweet sad eyes and it was so tender than you made me forget everything. I felt that you really really appreciate me. So.. secretly: Thank you for that

 

While my nails were struggling on not to scratch your back and the tips of my fingers were resting in the skin of your back I could feel how smooth you were… so soft … like a baby skin… at the same time I felt you fragile… I think I sensed that you were starting to worry what would happen or perhaps I only imagined it. And you were so careful on not to hurt me. Today I woke up thinking about seeing you again. But I guess it will take a lot of time for us to see each other. You have decided we should wait and see… but I know the next time I see you… you’ll be with someone else and all I will  have left is feel happy for you…

 

 

I wasn't wrong. Tonight I found out, YOU,"A", got married and I'm happy for you. Perhaps you will hate me when you find out I wrote about us here. 

There is no "IF" when there wasn't an "US" I cannot turn back time and wish I had behaved in a different way with you. All I know is that I'm glad you've got what you wanted and you'll never be alone.

 

Today I felt like scanning the pictures I took on my trip to Turkey. For obvious reasons I didn't include the pictures of my weeding.... So, LOOK .. YES I WAS IN TURKEY :) hehehe I should have painted the walls and put my mark on them hahaha.

 

Well , I have to confess I loved the time I spent in Bursa and Istanbul. Turkey is a magical place and I would love to go back at there one day. The Marmara and Bosphorus leave you speechless Oh.. and The blue mosque and the Topkapi Palace .... Well I don't wanna get all nostalgic today. No no no :)

 

I didn't even wanted to open my wedding photo album... but then I finally did it today and wow... I saw the wonderful pics where me and mom appear.  So I wanted to share them with my pals!!

 

I wonder...

 

What would Yunus Emre would say about Turkey? hum I don't know... but I found this cool poem:

 

While I was roaming the wide world
I came upon nations in graves:
The mighty and the meek lay there--
Among them awe-inspiring braves.

Some were old men, some young heroes:
Viziers, teachers--everyone goes;
Their days now caught in the night's throes,
Here they lie with death's other slaves.

The path they took was always straight;
Pen in hand, they knew how to write;
Their tongues, like nightingales, sang right;
Buried they lie--sages and braves.

Mighty and low, everyone cried
When these heroic leaders died;
A broken bow at each graveside--
Gallant men fell like stray arrows.

Their horses unfurled a dust cloud,
Drummers marched by them, beating loud,
Their might had done land and sea proud;
Noble lords now lie in death's caves.

 

One of my favorite legends about the origin of Saint Valentine's day is the one about Emperor Claudius II. As some of you might have known, legend states he decided that single men made better soldiers than those who had families so he outlawed marriage for young men (his potential soldiers.) Then Valentine, a priest, realizing the injustice of such decree, defied Claudius by continuing to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine was discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.  Of course there is the other legend that states that Valentine actually sent the very first ever "valentine greeting" while he was in prision to a young girl who religiously visited him. The legend says he sent her a letter before his death which he signed "From your Valentine" the famous expression that is still in use today.

Well, if he was a priest or a regular guy is something no one knows for sure... but this day had become the symbol of L.O.V.E. across the western and of course parts of the eastern world  Yeah they do celebrate Valentine's day in Turkey!!! OK??? So in other places that I won't mention right now. Today my valentine's day was full of 0 Carb chocolates and crazy shopping day at the mall. I got a hug from my mother and gazellian e-mails from almost everyone in my contact list (excluding my highschool friends ...of course we know all of my pals are too busy to send to this good old friend of them a valentine right???) . Even my father called me at 6:OO am to wish me a nice GIORNO DI SAN VALENTINO :) hahahaha... But the best thing I got today was my son Kenneth's very first Valentine made by him!!! So I had to add it here to show it off!!

 

This is Valentine's day for me :) A day full of love, the inconditional love of my child and my mother. Who cares about everything else? Valentine's day is not only for lovers is for everyone who has someone to love and cherish and protect:)

 

well... What do Sufis have to say about love??? This is a fragment of LOVE IS THE MASTER by RUMI

 

..."Love is the One who masters all things;
I am mastered totally by Love.
By my passion of love for Love
I have ground sweet as sugar.
O furious Wind, I am only a straw before you;
How could I know where I will be blown next?
Whoever claims to have made a pact with Destiny
Reveals himself a liar and a fool;
What is any of us but a straw in a storm?
How could anyone make a pact with a hurricane?
God is working everywhere his massive Resurrection..."

 

Finally, yesteday 19th I graduated! and the best part is I graduated as CUM LAUDE -which is a college honor that might not help you so much in the real world but at least make you say : Hey I graduated with a 3.7 GPA eat my shorts!

 

hahaha. Anyway. I will miss Hunter my beloved ALMA MATER. I met many interesting people at there and also made a couple of good friends there. It is very hard to make friends in a Senior College!!-take my word for it.. you just don't have time.

 

Yesterday a stranger asked me what comes next for me and I said "I'm heading for Grad School" she said where and I said I would like to get in here, in Hunter. Hopefully I will make it... if not.. there is always NEW SCHOOL right, Borak? hahaha :)

 

Graduating from Hunter kind of makes you nervous even the Motto of Hunter makes you feel like you have this big responsibility on your shoulders: MIHI CURA FUTURI (The care of the Future is Mine) Well the future for me is Kenneth so I guess I will keep on taking care of him *hahahahahahaha good save!!

But now, seriously I feel very happy and nostalgic at the same time for completing this cicle in my life.

 

I thank God for giving me such a wonderful mother,Celia Gallow, that helped me and pushed me and who  encouraged me each and everytime I fell asleep reading tons and tons of books in literary theory and so on during summer, spring and fall... but specially for taking care of my Kenneth while I was attending college and support me in each step of the way (even thought she wanted me to be a Science Major instead of an English Literature one)

 

Well I also want to thank :

 

Beloved Tiembla Tierra and Powerful Chango for always protecting me and my family and for iluminating my mind and kept me from earthly distractions that could stand on my way.

 

Monsegnior Hinch for conducting such a beautiful mass and giving me and Kenneth his blessing last sunday in front of the whole community of Holy Child Jesus Christ Parish

 

My father Carlos Alberto Sergio Tijero for sending him his support and good vibes from Peru and to my hunky brother Jose Carlos Tijero and my beautiful sister Carmen Rosa for their good wishes

 

My son Kenneth because without him I would not even have the conviction and will to do what I love.

 

My pal CESARIN -Niño Probeta- for attending the commencement excercises of yesterday with my mom and Kenneth.

 

My cousin-niece  Dennis for her good wishes and prayers

 

All the good friends that call me to congratulate me and send me all those lovely e-mails and cards

 

My spiritual brothers Wind Rider and Siete Caminos who always know how to make me understand what no one else has been able to

 

and last but not least ... you Herodes, for guiding me and making my life better.

 

 

 

Your love has wrested me away from me,
You're the one I need, you're the one I crave.
Day and night I burn, gripped by agony,
You're the one I need, you're the one I crave.

I find no great joy in being alive,
If I cease to exist, I would not grieve,
The only solace I have is your love,
You're the one I need, you're the one I crave.

                                                                           (Sufi Poet Yunus Emre)

2006 is the YEAR OF THE DOG and someone out there told me dogs are men's best friends because of their unconditional "love". Ah.. ehm Ok. If you believe that animals are capable of love that is.  I started this year thinking on being able to love even more than before. So far I realize that loving my son, the people that care and love me and also myself is a good start. I cannot go around and proclaim my love for mankind because I would be a liar. There are a bunch of individuals who I would never love... for obvious reasons.

What is love? I think that is an old question and I have heard some many answers like  "Is what keeps us alive" or  "is what makes this crazy world move" and the infamous one "is what makes us human"---> give me a break, hasn't people been trying to defend animal rights because they want to argue animals are capable of love? 

I started 2006 alone at home. My mother was at work and Kenneth was sleeping :) It was fun to watch the countdown from Time Square accompanied by a glass of champagne and 12 grapes. What it was even more fun was that at 12:05 exactly my friends came over (eventhought they have all cancelled our dinner plans) For their good luck, I did go on with my plans and I made dinner. It was kind of hard since two of them are vegans, two muslims and one who is still struggling between being a Jew or Christian and of course my "Beau" Borak  (who's Roman Catholic by the way). I had to improvise an experiment that should include Kosher, and exclude anything that came from animals (including delicious pig) and also low carb. What did I cook? Ahh I won't tell you! I don't want anyone stealing my secret receip. All I can say it may look like a Turkish dish we all know very well ..only exclude the meat...

Anyway, my friendsl came because they said they loved me and wanted to keep me company. Well, that's not love I guess that's "concern for my well being" and "interest on seeing what the hack Karyna would feed us" . Yeah I guess I have become a little cruel... but New Year's eve made me realize that love is not all those things people say it is. Love makes you do crazy things and also impossible ones like putting in a table people from different religious backgrounds---only in New York my friends ONLY IN NEW YORK

Love is powerful and destructive..Ask Tristan and Isolde or Romeo and Juliet what that so called love made them do? Love can be good too, but most of the time ends up hurting someone else.

Of course I am only refering to that type of love that makes humans want to be next to someone else. For me love is divided in different types of love therefore love has become merely a word to me rather than a feeling.

However, when I say that I love my son what I mean is that in fact I have a strong sense of belonging and a deep connection that ties me with him till the end of my days. I want to be close to him and next to him at all times but at the same time I don't want him to feel sufocated by my prescence. I don't want him to depend on me durng his whole life but I want him to know that he can count on me for my whole life. In other words, what I feel for my Kenneth is "Dilectio" a type of love that goes far beyond convencional affection.

Borak told me he loved me on New Years Eve and all I had to say that day was Thank You. He was not upset, he was surprised because he thought I would get mad at him and break up... he still  thinks I runaway from love......   

What is love? Love is only a word used to define what can not be expressed just by mere actions. Still love does not define the feeling. It is only a general concept. Yunus Emre and Rumi were kind of obsessed with love but they wrote about the Love for GOD. I think that's a healthy obsession :) To love God, because he is so powerful and so different from us that he would never feel "sufocated", "bored" and would never say "I need some time for myself" or "I am on the rebound" yeah.. God is not human and we are nothing like him.

Sufis never give human attributes to God and I believe that's great because in that way they can love him without expecting anything in return. Humans love expecting to receive love as exchange... Borak loves me but he doesn't expect me to love him back and that's cool :) That's great who knows what might happen later on. I think what Borak feels for me is storgê in other words natural affection :) Do you know how many types of Love there are. Check this out:

agapê  is that type of love that can be conceptualized as charity

philia  is friendship  (love for your friends) 

storgê (natural affection), only as astorgos (lacking natural affection)

eros (sexual attraction) What most of you "hungry dogs" feel for J.Lo and Britney                                  

 

New all these are Greek definitions. The Latin language offers five different terms for love: it provides different variations to convey its many meanings: 

 

Amore:  general love. Attraction or a pull in any way; the force of being driven together.

Affectus: denotes the movement of sensibilities and affections.

Dilectio:To specifically bestow by choice a special love on another person that is beyond mere affection 

Amicitia: differs from dilectio only by mutuality. It may also imply the strong bond of friendship and reciprocated love. 

A type of Amicitia: its hard to defined but the origins of this type of  love does not lie within is; we would not know how to conduct it.

Caritas is God’s own love not in human terms because this type of love is so fierce that it generates into another person, and continues to generate into a Third.

 

Caritas is the inner life kind of the perpetual action of the Trinity, you know .. kind of like a chain effect it gets to you and then you  pass it on and so on... Caritas names God’s embrace of the good and true illustrating our dim participation in that eminent and one love.

 

Yeah Caritas is a great way to love :) Well I wish you all to be "trapped" in this amazing type of love. :)